Maybe you’ve climbed mountains. Maybe you’ve gone swimming with sharks. Maybe you’ve prayed to Zeus and ascended above mortality so that even your slightest aggravation manifests in airwaves of heated friction which produce daggers of lightning to strike that bastard you work with, or that ex-boyfriend who never returned your favorite hoodie, or those people who walk too slowly in the mall.
But you’ve done nothing until you’ve made and eaten this pie.
Look at it.
Look at it.
LOOK AT IT.
I watched Sarah fold the coconut cream into the peanut butter batter.
“I need that,” I said in a low voice. “Right now.”
“You can have some when it’s done.”
Lies. All lies. She pulled it from the freezer and I, with my fork at the ready, found her promise empty.
She made sure to take the fork from my hand before telling me that, of course.
“Why?” I demanded. “Why can’t I eat it?”
“Because we need to take pictures of it first.”
“I’ll just eat the camera too then.”
She ignored me and began setting up for the photo. I lingered behind her, shadowing her every step until she had to physically guide me out of the way.
Sarah snapped a picture.
“Are you done?”
She took another one.
“I really think that’s enough. They’ll get the idea.”
“I need to get another angle,” she said.
I think she took her time on purpose, if you ask me. Some twisted, sadistic part of her must have enjoyed tormenting me with pie. There could be no other explanation and no other reason to deny someone such nirvana.
There must be a black hole where her heart is, I thought. An emptiness like a big, six-foot grave. My grave. The grave I’ll be lying in if I don’t eat that pie. Right now.
Sarah stood up and stretched luxuriously, taking her time to review the pictures on her camera. Then she sighed and looked to me.
“Alright. You can cut a slice now.”
Eagerly, I grabbed the knife. I slid the blade carefully through rich, creamy layers of peanut butter and coconut; felt the slight resistance of dark, fudgy chocolate; and then the buttery crumble of almond and coconut crust. I pulled the piece from the whole, feeling the silky cheesecake-like layer resist me slightly as I attempted to separate it.
“Come on,” I whispered lovingly. “You can do it. Just a little more now…”
At last, the piece came free. I placed it on a plate –
Only to have Sarah snatch it away. Then she took the rest of it too.
“What – I – why?” I stuttered in disbelief. “What are you doing?!”
“We need to take at least a few pictures with the piece missing –“
“And the slice too.”
Whimpering, I waited for her to take the pictures.
She took one from the front. Then one from the side. Then one from the top. Then she took one from a slight angle, then an obtuse angle, then from on top of the table, hanging upside down from the doorframe, in the snow on the porch, underwater in the bathtub, the trunk of the car, from the air duct in the neighbors apartment via periscope –
That’s what it felt like to me, anyway.
Finally, I cracked under the pressure.
“Sarah,” I begged from my knees. “Listen to me. Ten years from now, I will pay the mortgage on your house. I’ll file your taxes. I’ll fold all your laundry for – for – forever!”
“You know, you can just –“
“I’ll cook your dinners every night. And did you know that I’m an expert masseuse? Seriously, I’ve got really dexterous hands. Like a pianist’s hands. Like I-can-play-every-song-on-expert-in-Guitar-Hero hands. Like if you gave me five minutes to massage you I could probably –“
“Idon’twanttohearwhereyou’regoingwiththis,” she cut me off abruptly.
“Alright, fair enough, then, uh – you know that song you like? The one that sounds like people speaking indistinctly while on a roller coaster? I’ll play it on repeat every single morning if you just –“
Sarah reached for the fork on the counter and handed it to me.
“Alright, alright. Just eat the damn pie.”
I took a bite.
“Oh,” I sighed in relief. “Thank God.”
“Oh Thank God” Coconut Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie
- Hand mixer
- Springform pan
Ingredients for the crust:
- 1 and 2/3 cups almond flour
- 3/4 cup ground flaxseed
- 8 tbsp. coconut oil
- 1 tsp. Splenda or stevia
Ingredients for the chocolate layer:
- 1/2 cup light cream
- 3/4 cup water
- I know, this is weird, but trust us! It’ll help soften the bitterness of the cocoa and make the chocolate layer soft rather than a hard shell.
- 1/2 cup + 1 tbsp Splenda or stevia
- 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
- 6 ounces unsweetened chocolate
Ingredients for the peanut butter / coconut layer:
- 2 (8 oz.) packages of 1/3 less fat cream cheese
- You can use full fat if you prefer
- 1/2 cup creamy peanut butter
- 1 tsp. vanilla extract
- 1/2 cup Splenda or stevia
- 1 can of coconut milk separated into:
- 1/4 cup coconut water
- coconut fat
How to Put This in Your Mouth – The Crust:
NOTE: Before beginning, put the can of coconut milk in the freezer. This will help the fat separate from the water.
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees. In a large bowl, mix all the ingredients together until combined and able to hold a shape when pressed. Then, press the crust evenly into the bottom of the springform pan and bake for about 10 minutes, just so that you can smell it. Allow to cool to room temperature.
How to Put This in Your Mouth – Chocolate Layer:
Chop the chocolate into chunks.
Add all the ingredients into a double boiler except the chocolate. Heat over medium heat until the mixture is hot, then add the chocolate and stir until smooth and thickened. It will wind up like a pudding consistency. Pour on top of the crust and allow to cool until room temperature.
How to Put This in Your Mouth – Coconut /Peanut Butter Pie Layer:
Take the can of coconut milk out of the freezer. Drain and reserve the water, and you should be left with about 1/2 cup to 3/4 cup coconut fat.
Mix the peanut butter, cream cheese, vanilla extract, coconut water, coconut fat, and Splenda with a hand mixer for about 4 minutes until smooth and fluffy.
Add the peanut butter/coconut layer on top of the cooled chocolate layer. If you’re impatient, put it in the freezer and rock yourself back and forth in anticipation for about an hour. If you want ultimate perfection and can find a way to distract yourself, leave it in the fridge overnight before cutting.
OPTIONAL: Top with a drizzle of chocolate and unsweetened coconut if you’re feeling fancy.
Otherwise, make sure you’re sitting down when you try it, because this one will definitely knock you on your ass. Enjoy!
(Net Carbs (without toppings): There are 78.5g in the whole pie. If you cut it into 10 pieces, that’s 7.85 grams per slice. Have at it!)